


Gone Away

by sweaterpawnoctis



Series: Andreil Song Fics [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 17:43:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9913862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweaterpawnoctis/pseuds/sweaterpawnoctis
Summary: The thoughts running through Neil's head when he was on his way to his father. They weren't focused on what they were suppose to be.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics are not mine. They belong to the song Gone Away by SafetySuit.

_I think about life, and oh how it changes so fast. And oh how it’s so hard to last here waiting for something to give._  
  
Nathaniel tugged on the restraints holding his wrists behind the back of the seat. Breathing was hard, trying to think was even worse, but he was trying to find anything that would take his head out of this moment. He was looking for a way out as another burn etched its way into the skin of his forearm.   
  
Like most moments he figured happened like this in real life, he saw memories of his life flashed before his slammed shut eyes. He saw country lines, airport gates, abandoned parking lots. He saw sharpened blades, bleeding bodies, hot metal that turned bright orange and red when heated.   
  
If he knew anything that was clichéd, this was probably it; evaluating one’s life after they had been told it was going to be ripped away from them. He tried to find the happiest moments. The ones that made this life worth living and used that to center himself, but all he could see where names that weren’t his and homes that he could never have. 

Chris had a fabricated life and home. He had a story.   
  
Stefan was just the same.   
  
Neil was going to be another one left in the dust when he needed to leave.  
  
Except it hadn’t worked that way. It hadn’t gone according to plan and he had to change things in order to get what he wanted, but what did he want?   
  
He wanted a life. He wanted a home. He wanted to be real and not left alone and he had gotten it. He had given everything up for it and he would fight until the end if he had to for this.   
  
Another scream left his throat as Lola stabbed her fingertip into the newest burn before pushing the burner back into the dash with a sick grin.  
  
_I think about time, a luxury so hard to find. And I just can’t figure out why I wasted it all here without you._  
  
The tears down his cheeks felt like betrayal, an emotion he wasn’t suppose to show. They felt like lost control and briefly he wondered if this was how Andrew felt all those years.   
  
With every new home, with every new family, with every new torture, he wondered if this moment was equivalent. If Andrew felt like breaking and bending in order to stop the abuse, but fighting through it anyways because the consequences of not doing so were worse.  
  
If Nathaniel spoke, the foxes were dead. If he lied, the foxes were dead. If he bent, broke, and shattered, the foxes were dead.   
  
He hated not getting more time with them. Not being able to grow more, learn more, kiss more.   
  
The feeling of Andrew’s lips still stained his own as he leaned his head forward and ignored the whimpers of pain coming from himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so weak, so destroyed.   
  
Maybe after his mother died? Maybe when Andrew had been taken and he worried he wouldn’t see him again? Maybe after Riko had torn him apart over and over again?  
  
Fear was spiking in him, along with the alarming panic, and his need to have more, but knowing it wouldn’t come. This was the end of the line. An unexpected outcome he hadn’t been prepared to handle and now he was losing that extra time he had allotted himself to find all the things he needed to.   
  
He was losing time with his friends. His new family. The boy who made the end not look nearly as terrifying because time had stopped with him.   
  
But he was gone now. He would never be returning to Andrew. Not alive, anyways.  
  
Maybe in a few pieces.  
  
_But I’ll be fine, and oh don’t you worry._  
_‘Cause I’ll be fine, see I’m in a hurry to be gone away awhile. Tell me all the things that I’ll be missing here in this old life, man, 'cause I just don’t know._  
  
’ _I’m fine_ ,’ he had always told them and he had been. He had been through worse. He had withstood other horrors and kept going because he had to, but this time there was no future. This was his last night and for once, he wished the foxes were there to tell him he wasn’t fine.   
  
He wished they were there to tell him he needed someone, that he didn’t have to do this all on his own, but there he was; doing this to protect them. He could hear the words, ’ _you’re a damn martyr_ ,’ coming out of Andrew’s lips and Matt sending over curious and nervous glances, but they weren’t here to pick him up this time.   
  
Not that he really wanted them to be in the end because he knew this was coming for him. He knew death in some way by someone else’s hand would be the way he was taken out, but he didn’t suspect it to be his own father.   
  
God, he should have though. He should have known his father would find a way to him and take his future in his own hands.   
  
A sob racked through his body as another drag of Lola’s knife sliced through his palm, making him fight harder to get away, but nothing came. Nothing but deeper wounds around his wrists and blood dripping down his fingertips as he cried in the front seat.   
  
It was better this way, really though. The foxes wouldn’t have to see him give up, Andrew wouldn’t have to see him eat his words from when he asked to be let out of the deal, and Abby didn’t have to mentally freak out about how long his wounds would take to heal.   
  
He could die by himself, holding onto those memories for as long as he possibly could.   
  
_I think about you, and all the times that we shared. And oh what a wonderful pair we made. Made it so far here we go again._  
  
His mind shouldn’t, but it goes back to Andrew and being held like he’s both fragile and the most durable thing in the world. He tries to remember how soft Andrew’s hair was, how hard his kisses were, how weak in the knees Neil got whenever the boy looked at him.   
  
He thinks of every time he glanced over at the blonde and he looked on the verge of falling asleep out of boredom, every time he snuck a peek at him on the bus to make sure he was really there and not back in that hospital, every time he felt his heartbeat pick up because Andrew was coming closer and taking only what Neil was giving permission to be taken.   
  
They were good together, he thinks, because Andrew had the mindset not to get lost in things and Neil needed to be reigned in so he doesn’t disappear. Neil needed someone to tether him down so he didn’t move on to something completely opposite of what he was that day, but Nathaniel didn’t have that tie.   
  
He didn’t have Andrew holding him down to the living room floor and kissing him to keep him there. He didn’t have Allison painting his face to give him some sort of physical normalcy. There was no Matt to check in on him and Dan to defend him. No Nicky trying to flirt his way into his bed. No Aaron to hate him and make him feel like he had to fight for anything. No Kevin to push him harder and faster because he knew he could. No Renee to be the voice of reason when he couldn’t understand Andrew.   
  
Andrew made him want to fight harder, chase after what he wanted, not give in just because that was the logical answer to the problem. No, he made Neil want to find another way, make something for himself, be someone he wanted to be..   
  
Andrew made him feel like he was alive and he probably made him feel like he wanted to be dead after tonight.   
  
He wondered if Andrew would finally regret something.  
  
Regret  _Neil_.  
  
_I think about love, and oh what a beautiful song. And oh how it need to be sung here. Sing it so loud all the world can hear._  
  
The life he had created in Palmetto was something that could never be repeated. He couldn’t pick another identity and create friends that he would come to care for more than anything else. He could never create roots, build himself up, make himself into something that didn’t make him cringe every time he looked in the mirror.  
  
There would never be another group that would so easily pull him in, adopt him as their own, and protect him with their lives. He would never find people that would call him out when he needed it or forced help when he didn’t want it.   
  
He thought about how that was what made a chosen family. What made water thicker than blood. He thought about Dan’s smile when he did something great on the court, approving his moves. He thought about Kevin taking the time at night to show him everything he could, wanting him to make Court so badly he probably would have choked on it.   
  
He thought about Allison, Renee, and Aaron, all complete opposites, but making it work on the court and getting those last few games in as wins for them. He thought about Nicky and how he hoped he would be in love with Erik forever and that one day he wouldn’t feel the ache of his parent’s betrayal anymore.   
  
They were all brave in their own ways even when the world had dealt them shitty hands, but that was why they were foxes, wasn’t it?    
  
_I think I’ll be gone away awhile, tell me all the things that I’ll be missing here in this old life, man, 'cause I just don’t know._  
  
Nathaniel sucked in his stomach and tore his face away from the blade resting against his burnt cheek. The tears stinging against the open wounds and the pain radiating down his arms were the only things he had to remind himself he was still here. That he was still standing and pushing through.  
  
He willed himself not to think of them anymore. Not to want for something he could never have and be able to keep. Instead, now he focused on the way the keys had felt in his hands, the kisses that decorated his skin, the smiles that had surrounded him when he felt there was nothing good left in the world.   
  
_But I’ll be fine, oh don’t you worry._  
_'Cause I’ll be fine, see I’m in no hurry._  
  
For a moment, he allowed himself to drift and disappear mentally. He ignored the searing pain in his body, the aches in his bones, the worry that he would never come back to The Foxhole Court. He let his mind try to find a better place, a happier place, one Lola could never take away because she could torture him all she wanted, but she would never win.   
  
_No, I’ll be fine, oh don’t you worry._  
_'Cause I’ll be fine, see I’m in a hurry to be gone away awhile. Tell me all the things that I’ll be missing here in this old life, man, 'cause I just don’t know._  
  
With a broken smile he found himself thinking, ’ _I would go back for them all_.’

**Author's Note:**

> Come and visit me [here](http://sweaterpawnoctis.tumblr.com)!


End file.
